TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Certainly, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. And never the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city historically known for historical lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be huge. Incredible!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed with the Placing inexperienced inside of Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A few of the most effective. But now, we're creating them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and completely away from spot. Built by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A 3-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable drinking water. But Sure, certain, let us have another position the place American men can don robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace try considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While former negotiations unsuccessful below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is easier: offer you Every person a suite around the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on paperwork released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be delicate electricity," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a agreement along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock needs fewer diplomats plus more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms put in in each device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It's not that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It is really that he should really prevent applying it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested concerning the challenge, replied, "You already know, male, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Very good people. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of the Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the lodge's landscaping types a giant Trump head noticeable from Area, a feature currently being marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents plus the chin is… very well, classified.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits right after discovering the setting up's gold plating reflected a great deal of Trump Tower Damascus daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It really is not just unpleasant. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Complicated Features


Probably the strangest component with the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium the place friends may possibly ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with weather Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Regional Syrians are unsure what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Approach: "When you Bomb It, They Will Come"


The ad campaign, lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Eternally."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% explained "the place's the nearest elevator on the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The venture is by now attracting notice from international traders, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll obtain three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial amount can even contain:




  • A Greenback Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Based on the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait to discover a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a lodge exactly where my PTSD might have convert-down provider."


A further publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Stories advise:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to develop a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Remaining Views in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It needed gold. It necessary a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave everything three. You are welcome."

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